1. Vegetables are not vegetarian. Tomatoes rotting on the vine? Add fish emulsion. Zucchini leaves yellowing? Add blood meal. Wilting plants? Disembowel a neighbourhood cat… you get the idea.

2. Eggplants grow on a bush, not on the ground as I always imagined. Who knew? Not this person from Northern Alberta.

3. If there is not a personality test that uses bumblebee/wasp/hornet as its array of results, someone should design one. You know “People who are bumblebees work pleasantly together, hornets are silently efficient, wasps come in and get what they need, destroying everything in their wake.”

Perfect for the corporate world.

4. I should have planted potatoes.

5. The gardener’s personal schedule is irrelevant to your plants. Patientez.

6. What you want? Squirrels want it.

7. Where the car parks is irrelevant to your pumpkin plant.

8. Scared of spiders? Don’t bother with that phobia anymore. They eat the bugs that eat your vegetables. When they’re hunched over a beetle or a fly, injecting venom before fixedly sucking out its blood while the live meal thrashes against its fate, each of the spider’s eight legs and eyes focused on its deadly task, it is a gardener’s friend.

Hey don’t look so grossed out. Oh, and you’ve got something on your shoulder.

9. Do not plant so many zucchini.

Meagan Perry is the Executive Producer of rabble’s Podcast Network and has some extra zucchini if you want some.